Heavy Heart, Mighty God

I haven't known a single year where I didn't have a single sad moment in my life. I doubt I ever will. Yet, through it all, I haven't known a single year where God wasn't there waiting for me to call upon Him. Heaven sounds like what honey tastes. I can't wait for it. I want to see Him and praise Him for eternity. Yet, I have been placed on this earth for a little while so that I can praise Him through the rain, and show His grace and mercy to others. Who could plan such a life like this but our God?

Productivity without Internet Connectivity

      So as the school year ends, I was reviewing some of the things that were good and some of the things I'm going to not do next year. One of those things was being on the internet too much, and as time went by I got addicted. I would almost never get my homework done on time and I wouldn't be doing anything else, and going out seemed dumb compared to being on the internet. I started to realize this in the past month, so I shut my internet down. In that time, I was ten times more productive, more interested in doing other things and reading books, and getting a lot better grades. For me, it's bittersweet because I have a lot of friends that I can only talk to online, and otherwise, I have no connection to. It was the decision of friends or good grades, which was hard for me. I've learned that I need to make sure I have my priorities straight and that I'm making wise decisions during the school year. Going through everything has definitely been interesting, but at the same time, I don't think I would've had it any other way.

Hall of Memories

            As I walk through this abandoned hall, I see my past. they are written in the cracks in the paint, shaped in the curves of  broken glass shattered on the floors. I've walked this hall before, but it was not me. I was a child when I put my footsteps on the soft blue carpet. My mother would be in the living room with my little brother, humming a tune while my older sister brushed her hair some more. Father would come home from work, kiss my cheek, and then send me to bed. Never had I guessed that that one kiss was the last. The next morning, they were all gone. They didn't take any belongings or leave any message. There was this hall though, where the glass lamp was smashed. This is where I walk now, the hall of my memories.

Russian Roullete

Sometimes I just wanna play russian roulette

But the only player is I
Please make sure I'm not in the gazette
Alone I shall die
Play it until someone wins,
pull that trigger until the deed is done
I shall never have any kin
because I can't hide from this gun.

Hold Me

So please hold me
Stop me from wondering how bad the next day will be
wrap your arms around my waist
Show me that with you I'm safe
Because I need love, the kind I never get
I feel so alone, I'm the one that people regret
I need warmth, because my body's so cold
I need someone to tell me I'm worth more than gold
the hope I have, I'm afraid I'll lose it

Friends Worry Me

I have to say, one of my biggest fears when it comes to friends is hurting them. Almost every time I see them, I'm just praying "God please help me not to hurt them, I love them so much, it's the last thing I want to do." And I know how much it hurts to be hurt by friends. Another thing is if they're in a lot of pain, and they don't tell me, so I make them feel worse.

Yet You Love Me

I come with empty hands
I come with a broken heart
I come with bruises and scars
I come with pieces of me that fell apart
And yet you love me

You are my Creator
I'm the one who destroyed your world
You are my Savior
I'm the one who crushed your son
And yet you call me child of your own 

The Dead Haunt Me

June 10, 1861, Battle of Bethel Church.

A Union soldier’s poem after the battle.

Here I lie in this silent barricade

Bodies here, they do not restrain

As their lives fade

There is nothing they can regain

I cannot ever fully describe

How bloody it is here

More than scalping from an indian tribe

Is their blood so clear

The limbs are spewed

Faces are mottled

What this war has brewed

Cannot be kept bottled

For they are nothing but dead

Or soon to be so

The rest have fled

Yet I cannot not go

Oh how they brawled

So brave and true

Women would awe

At the things they would do

Yet I saw their bodies thrashing

As they died

Their teeth gnashing

Because of pain they cried

Cry after cry

Soul after soul

Oh my God why?

This burns like hot coal

How it plagues my mind!

Pierces my heart!

There is no love to find

No, not in this part.

The families cannot see them anymore

The friends, they cannot catch him when he falls

They will not be seen when opened is the door

And he shall not answer when for him they call

Never shall the father be seen

By the child so new

Never will the bride gleam

At her father who died in the morning dew

Their wives, now widows

The children, now poor

Never to be seen out of windows

Never to walk on their home floor

Chances of kin now are no more

Happiness for them is vanished

Never has sadness bitten this hard before

Thou serving is dished

My good friends

My fellow warriors

I wish this wasn’t the end

Of your story so mar

Now my head lilt

With the sound of gunshot one by one

My heart so full with guilt

This war physically but not mentally done

My God, my God, how I need you now

For I cannot go another fortnight

I do not know how

My people are dead because of this fight

Now I must go on

And go through hell again

Even though they are gone

Never forgetting the cries of my men

This is it

This is how it shall be

My love mashed like grit

While the dead haunt me

Here's Some Help

Suicide Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

Kids Helpline:
1800 55 1800

My Email:
emilyhoffman32@gmail.com

Please, if you ever have thoughts of suicide or self harm or you just need someone to talk to, email me. I will listen and I will do my best to help you in any way I can. I've been through this and I'm still in it, and sitting alone wishing for someone to talk to is one of the worst feelings. Don't give up. For my sake, take in another breath and keep hope alive. 

Amazing

So let's just think of this for a moment. The fact that you can take symbols and make sense from them and then think about them. The fact that you can see things around you and you can hear noises. Child play isn't it? So if this is child play, then how much more amazing is the other things? And if those things can be so mind blowing, how much more is the Creator of this? Now this, the fact that the Creator of this is your Father. The Creator of phenomena, galaxies, humans, planets, and beauty is your Father. If a Father had a child and He loved that child, would he just leave that child in a pit of darkness to die? Would he forget that child? No, He wouldn't. So if God's your Father, then you are his child and he will not forget his children. He won't forget you and He will never stop loving you. He will never ever forget you. You just had a thought about this didn't you? Ha, I guessed so :). Amazing isn't it?

The Cycle

It's interesting how much I want help from people and I want them to know and at the same time, I don't want them to know because I don't want to be that drama queen who just is so full of her self that she never talks about anything but her problems. I don't want to be that needy girl who everyone has pity on and just tolerates. It's being a burden to someone that I don't want. It's funny though the difference of those who've been through depression and those who haven't. I always have this fear that someone feels pressured and that I'm being clingy. That I'm trusting too much again. It's my problem. I trust too much and then realize it, completely sink deeper, and then distance myself from them. Hopefully God will help me to cling to him more than anyone else.

I Don't Belong

         As I stare through my tears, I see a stain glass picture of an angel. The sun shines through it and onto me, yet I feel no warmth. Everything surrounding me is beautiful, holy, and joyous but it only brings me sorrow. Reminding me of everything I'm not, of the person that I wish I was. I should have a sign on me saying "Here sits the putrid sinner, who mars our godly church. May she forever be shamed." All I get though, is blessing and a curse. The blessing that God already forgave me and loves me, but the curse that I can't forgive myself and I hate myself. The choir sings with the people, filling the room with praise, but my ears are numb to the words said. I watch as someone goes up and shares something in tears of joy and all I can think is "I wish I was that person, so full of joy." This whole scene is so peaceful, I feel so out of place. So home like and so wonderful, I feel like a misplaced person. I'm just sitting on a bench, waiting for eternity to end so that I can meet my Father. For now, I shall live this life of leaning and trusting God more than ever and yet feeling so far from him. I shall question every day asking whether I truly suffer with depression. One more breath I will breathe because I'm letting God guide me, not death. This church, this scene, brings a bittersweet to me. I belong here but I don't belong here. I love people and God while I hate myself. Though I don't walk this road alone, I feel completely alone. I'm really happy and immature around other people still I am depressed and sober when I'm by myself. Going to church is one of my favorite activities but it's one of the things I hate the most. Where I am, is not where I belong and where I belong isn't here.......

Little Thoughts

The feeling of being so full of pain but so empty and numb has to be one of the most wretched feelings. It's like you're so full of pain that you become empty. And it's funny because the people who haven't experienced this can never fully understand it. They can never understand depression. I used to be that person, who didn't realize what it's like at all. But we need to realize that it's hard to know a world that you've never been to. We mistake too many times their misunderstanding for unloving. Can we blame them if they haven't gone through depression? Can we say that just because they're happy most of the time that they don't go through depression? And if someone seems to be focused on the love of God, they probably want to be. Some choose to be blind to some things because they've seen too much of it. Others, they embrace it because they feel like they have nothing else to embrace. It's all on their perspective and who they are. Don't forget, they are still them. They're still humans with hopes, dreams, thoughts, fears, futures, pasts, pains, feelings, heart beats, lungs, and life. Everyone has that and more, too many people forget that. They're not just your sister or your friend or you brother or mother or enemy, no they are another human being. 

Don't forget the human in everyone.

War

This is the war in me.

Isaiah 54:10-11, 58:11   2 Corinthians 12:7-10    1 Peter 1:6-7, 4:12-17   Job  Taddie    Jo  Sarah 
David, Kathryn, Grace, Abigail, Justin, Caleb, Jason, Isaac, Neeley, Julia   Hope Beauty from pain  Jeremiah 29:11 GOD Love Joy, Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Kindness, Faith, Self-control. All you have to do is BREATHE




                                WAR

PAIN.   SUICIDE.      I FEEL SO EMPTY.      I'M SINKING.            I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP.          CUTTING.                SO FULL OF PAIN AND YET SO NUMB.                             I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE. KEEP LIVING.      SATAN

This is the war that happens in me every day. It's unseen, and usually unheard, but it still happens. Each day, there's a new battle, and sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. If you ever struggle with this, please know it's not just you and you're always welcome to message me. Keep on hoping.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet is the beat in my feet pattering in my fleet down this wretched street
Bittersweet is the Rose, beauty on the top, spikes on the stem. Pleasing to the nose but more costly then the queen's gem
Bittersweet is death when a loved one breathes the last breath
Bittersweet is letting go of the things you love most
Bittersweet is love so deep that you can't sleep
Bittersweet is the taste in my mouth, as my feelings head south.

Breathe

Breathe in, breathe out
You can't hear them scream and shout
Breathe in, let go
Don't let your head hang low
Get up, walk away
You can get through another day
Inhale, exhale
God will prevail
Can't stop breathing
Can't stop believing
God loves your being
Take in a breath,
This isn't death
H2O
Let it flow
Carbon dioxide
Let it slide
God will provide
It's not smoke
You won't choke
Breathe in deep
Let your mind sleep

Better

A song by Cookie

Better 
Hello my dear 
Oh how I wish you were here 
So that I could hold you in my arms
 Make you laugh with my silly little charms 
And I miss you like I always miss targets
But Cupid shot me while I was in the market

 Because we play together 
Like children in sunny weather 
Making my heart as light as a feather 
Holding your hand soft like polished leather
 Oh I could never find another man because you're always better 

 It's funny how you make so many jokes
 Laughing so hard that I practically choke 
You'd start tickling me in my secret spot
Right on my sides under my blue top
Then you'd tell me about my beauty that I forgot 
And then you'd say you loved me a lot 

 Because we play together 
Like children in sunny weather 
Making my heart as light as a feather 
Holding your hand soft like polished leather 
Oh I could never find another man because you're always better 

 Oh I can remember the times 
Where we would sit and just rhyme 
Or fiddle around with a dime 
Staring down from the trees we'd climb 
Because I'm the lemon, you're the lime 
And together, we're so fine. 

 Because we'll stay together 
Even through the stormy weather 
Even when my heart's not a feather 
We'll be as tough as leather 
And we'll just love each other, better

Do I Really Have Depression?

I always ask myself if I really have depression because I see so many times people saying they can't feel happy or they don't feel anything and that's what depression is. That's what I'm not. I can feel happy. I still have feelings. I can go out and have a blast with friends and be truly happy. Do I really have depression? Or am I just a teenage drama queen who just can't deal with life? I wonder it all the time no matter what. Am I really going through depression?? And I never like telling people because then I feel like I'm being an attention seeker or a needy girl who has to tell everyone about her problems to get sympathy. Does anyone ever feel that way? Like if you tell a bunch of people that you're now an attention seeker?

Drink It Down

So I'll drink down my pain and smile for you,
 because that's just what I do.
 It's hard for me to be truly happy.
 I'll never be free from the hurt that haunts me
. But that's okay, tomorrow will be another day, so until then I will pray.
 I'll know that God is near and he loves me dear.

I Love You

I am hurting inside. I am dying from the pain that rips me apart. I put on a smile so that you don't have to be burdened by my pain. I pretend to be happy and strong but truly I'm just a mess inside. I've been seeing you in pain and I know that you're struggling. But please, don't lose hope and never think that you're alone. Everyone says this, I know, but please, don't give up. We are being turned into perfect gold by a furnace. It hurts. It hurts so bad. But there's beauty from the pain. We are stronger in the end. God has an amazing plan for you! I know I can't heal your heart, I can't say anything that no one else has ever said, but I know someone who is incredible. Someone who can not only take away the pain, he can make you truly happy inside. I pray for you everyday. I think of you everyday. You are loved. You are cherished You are special. Don't let anyone tell you that's not true. I love you