I Don't Belong

         As I stare through my tears, I see a stain glass picture of an angel. The sun shines through it and onto me, yet I feel no warmth. Everything surrounding me is beautiful, holy, and joyous but it only brings me sorrow. Reminding me of everything I'm not, of the person that I wish I was. I should have a sign on me saying "Here sits the putrid sinner, who mars our godly church. May she forever be shamed." All I get though, is blessing and a curse. The blessing that God already forgave me and loves me, but the curse that I can't forgive myself and I hate myself. The choir sings with the people, filling the room with praise, but my ears are numb to the words said. I watch as someone goes up and shares something in tears of joy and all I can think is "I wish I was that person, so full of joy." This whole scene is so peaceful, I feel so out of place. So home like and so wonderful, I feel like a misplaced person. I'm just sitting on a bench, waiting for eternity to end so that I can meet my Father. For now, I shall live this life of leaning and trusting God more than ever and yet feeling so far from him. I shall question every day asking whether I truly suffer with depression. One more breath I will breathe because I'm letting God guide me, not death. This church, this scene, brings a bittersweet to me. I belong here but I don't belong here. I love people and God while I hate myself. Though I don't walk this road alone, I feel completely alone. I'm really happy and immature around other people still I am depressed and sober when I'm by myself. Going to church is one of my favorite activities but it's one of the things I hate the most. Where I am, is not where I belong and where I belong isn't here.......