Productivity without Internet Connectivity

      So as the school year ends, I was reviewing some of the things that were good and some of the things I'm going to not do next year. One of those things was being on the internet too much, and as time went by I got addicted. I would almost never get my homework done on time and I wouldn't be doing anything else, and going out seemed dumb compared to being on the internet. I started to realize this in the past month, so I shut my internet down. In that time, I was ten times more productive, more interested in doing other things and reading books, and getting a lot better grades. For me, it's bittersweet because I have a lot of friends that I can only talk to online, and otherwise, I have no connection to. It was the decision of friends or good grades, which was hard for me. I've learned that I need to make sure I have my priorities straight and that I'm making wise decisions during the school year. Going through everything has definitely been interesting, but at the same time, I don't think I would've had it any other way.

Hall of Memories

            As I walk through this abandoned hall, I see my past. they are written in the cracks in the paint, shaped in the curves of  broken glass shattered on the floors. I've walked this hall before, but it was not me. I was a child when I put my footsteps on the soft blue carpet. My mother would be in the living room with my little brother, humming a tune while my older sister brushed her hair some more. Father would come home from work, kiss my cheek, and then send me to bed. Never had I guessed that that one kiss was the last. The next morning, they were all gone. They didn't take any belongings or leave any message. There was this hall though, where the glass lamp was smashed. This is where I walk now, the hall of my memories.

Russian Roullete

Sometimes I just wanna play russian roulette

But the only player is I
Please make sure I'm not in the gazette
Alone I shall die
Play it until someone wins,
pull that trigger until the deed is done
I shall never have any kin
because I can't hide from this gun.

Hold Me

So please hold me
Stop me from wondering how bad the next day will be
wrap your arms around my waist
Show me that with you I'm safe
Because I need love, the kind I never get
I feel so alone, I'm the one that people regret
I need warmth, because my body's so cold
I need someone to tell me I'm worth more than gold
the hope I have, I'm afraid I'll lose it

Friends Worry Me

I have to say, one of my biggest fears when it comes to friends is hurting them. Almost every time I see them, I'm just praying "God please help me not to hurt them, I love them so much, it's the last thing I want to do." And I know how much it hurts to be hurt by friends. Another thing is if they're in a lot of pain, and they don't tell me, so I make them feel worse.

Yet You Love Me

I come with empty hands
I come with a broken heart
I come with bruises and scars
I come with pieces of me that fell apart
And yet you love me

You are my Creator
I'm the one who destroyed your world
You are my Savior
I'm the one who crushed your son
And yet you call me child of your own 

The Dead Haunt Me

June 10, 1861, Battle of Bethel Church.

A Union soldier’s poem after the battle.

Here I lie in this silent barricade

Bodies here, they do not restrain

As their lives fade

There is nothing they can regain

I cannot ever fully describe

How bloody it is here

More than scalping from an indian tribe

Is their blood so clear

The limbs are spewed

Faces are mottled

What this war has brewed

Cannot be kept bottled

For they are nothing but dead

Or soon to be so

The rest have fled

Yet I cannot not go

Oh how they brawled

So brave and true

Women would awe

At the things they would do

Yet I saw their bodies thrashing

As they died

Their teeth gnashing

Because of pain they cried

Cry after cry

Soul after soul

Oh my God why?

This burns like hot coal

How it plagues my mind!

Pierces my heart!

There is no love to find

No, not in this part.

The families cannot see them anymore

The friends, they cannot catch him when he falls

They will not be seen when opened is the door

And he shall not answer when for him they call

Never shall the father be seen

By the child so new

Never will the bride gleam

At her father who died in the morning dew

Their wives, now widows

The children, now poor

Never to be seen out of windows

Never to walk on their home floor

Chances of kin now are no more

Happiness for them is vanished

Never has sadness bitten this hard before

Thou serving is dished

My good friends

My fellow warriors

I wish this wasn’t the end

Of your story so mar

Now my head lilt

With the sound of gunshot one by one

My heart so full with guilt

This war physically but not mentally done

My God, my God, how I need you now

For I cannot go another fortnight

I do not know how

My people are dead because of this fight

Now I must go on

And go through hell again

Even though they are gone

Never forgetting the cries of my men

This is it

This is how it shall be

My love mashed like grit

While the dead haunt me

Here's Some Help

Suicide Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

Kids Helpline:
1800 55 1800

My Email:
emilyhoffman32@gmail.com

Please, if you ever have thoughts of suicide or self harm or you just need someone to talk to, email me. I will listen and I will do my best to help you in any way I can. I've been through this and I'm still in it, and sitting alone wishing for someone to talk to is one of the worst feelings. Don't give up. For my sake, take in another breath and keep hope alive. 

Amazing

So let's just think of this for a moment. The fact that you can take symbols and make sense from them and then think about them. The fact that you can see things around you and you can hear noises. Child play isn't it? So if this is child play, then how much more amazing is the other things? And if those things can be so mind blowing, how much more is the Creator of this? Now this, the fact that the Creator of this is your Father. The Creator of phenomena, galaxies, humans, planets, and beauty is your Father. If a Father had a child and He loved that child, would he just leave that child in a pit of darkness to die? Would he forget that child? No, He wouldn't. So if God's your Father, then you are his child and he will not forget his children. He won't forget you and He will never stop loving you. He will never ever forget you. You just had a thought about this didn't you? Ha, I guessed so :). Amazing isn't it?

The Cycle

It's interesting how much I want help from people and I want them to know and at the same time, I don't want them to know because I don't want to be that drama queen who just is so full of her self that she never talks about anything but her problems. I don't want to be that needy girl who everyone has pity on and just tolerates. It's being a burden to someone that I don't want. It's funny though the difference of those who've been through depression and those who haven't. I always have this fear that someone feels pressured and that I'm being clingy. That I'm trusting too much again. It's my problem. I trust too much and then realize it, completely sink deeper, and then distance myself from them. Hopefully God will help me to cling to him more than anyone else.

I Don't Belong

         As I stare through my tears, I see a stain glass picture of an angel. The sun shines through it and onto me, yet I feel no warmth. Everything surrounding me is beautiful, holy, and joyous but it only brings me sorrow. Reminding me of everything I'm not, of the person that I wish I was. I should have a sign on me saying "Here sits the putrid sinner, who mars our godly church. May she forever be shamed." All I get though, is blessing and a curse. The blessing that God already forgave me and loves me, but the curse that I can't forgive myself and I hate myself. The choir sings with the people, filling the room with praise, but my ears are numb to the words said. I watch as someone goes up and shares something in tears of joy and all I can think is "I wish I was that person, so full of joy." This whole scene is so peaceful, I feel so out of place. So home like and so wonderful, I feel like a misplaced person. I'm just sitting on a bench, waiting for eternity to end so that I can meet my Father. For now, I shall live this life of leaning and trusting God more than ever and yet feeling so far from him. I shall question every day asking whether I truly suffer with depression. One more breath I will breathe because I'm letting God guide me, not death. This church, this scene, brings a bittersweet to me. I belong here but I don't belong here. I love people and God while I hate myself. Though I don't walk this road alone, I feel completely alone. I'm really happy and immature around other people still I am depressed and sober when I'm by myself. Going to church is one of my favorite activities but it's one of the things I hate the most. Where I am, is not where I belong and where I belong isn't here.......

Little Thoughts

The feeling of being so full of pain but so empty and numb has to be one of the most wretched feelings. It's like you're so full of pain that you become empty. And it's funny because the people who haven't experienced this can never fully understand it. They can never understand depression. I used to be that person, who didn't realize what it's like at all. But we need to realize that it's hard to know a world that you've never been to. We mistake too many times their misunderstanding for unloving. Can we blame them if they haven't gone through depression? Can we say that just because they're happy most of the time that they don't go through depression? And if someone seems to be focused on the love of God, they probably want to be. Some choose to be blind to some things because they've seen too much of it. Others, they embrace it because they feel like they have nothing else to embrace. It's all on their perspective and who they are. Don't forget, they are still them. They're still humans with hopes, dreams, thoughts, fears, futures, pasts, pains, feelings, heart beats, lungs, and life. Everyone has that and more, too many people forget that. They're not just your sister or your friend or you brother or mother or enemy, no they are another human being. 

Don't forget the human in everyone.

War

This is the war in me.

Isaiah 54:10-11, 58:11   2 Corinthians 12:7-10    1 Peter 1:6-7, 4:12-17   Job  Taddie    Jo  Sarah 
David, Kathryn, Grace, Abigail, Justin, Caleb, Jason, Isaac, Neeley, Julia   Hope Beauty from pain  Jeremiah 29:11 GOD Love Joy, Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Kindness, Faith, Self-control. All you have to do is BREATHE




                                WAR

PAIN.   SUICIDE.      I FEEL SO EMPTY.      I'M SINKING.            I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP.          CUTTING.                SO FULL OF PAIN AND YET SO NUMB.                             I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE. KEEP LIVING.      SATAN

This is the war that happens in me every day. It's unseen, and usually unheard, but it still happens. Each day, there's a new battle, and sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. If you ever struggle with this, please know it's not just you and you're always welcome to message me. Keep on hoping.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet is the beat in my feet pattering in my fleet down this wretched street
Bittersweet is the Rose, beauty on the top, spikes on the stem. Pleasing to the nose but more costly then the queen's gem
Bittersweet is death when a loved one breathes the last breath
Bittersweet is letting go of the things you love most
Bittersweet is love so deep that you can't sleep
Bittersweet is the taste in my mouth, as my feelings head south.

Breathe

Breathe in, breathe out
You can't hear them scream and shout
Breathe in, let go
Don't let your head hang low
Get up, walk away
You can get through another day
Inhale, exhale
God will prevail
Can't stop breathing
Can't stop believing
God loves your being
Take in a breath,
This isn't death
H2O
Let it flow
Carbon dioxide
Let it slide
God will provide
It's not smoke
You won't choke
Breathe in deep
Let your mind sleep

Better

A song by Cookie

Better 
Hello my dear 
Oh how I wish you were here 
So that I could hold you in my arms
 Make you laugh with my silly little charms 
And I miss you like I always miss targets
But Cupid shot me while I was in the market

 Because we play together 
Like children in sunny weather 
Making my heart as light as a feather 
Holding your hand soft like polished leather
 Oh I could never find another man because you're always better 

 It's funny how you make so many jokes
 Laughing so hard that I practically choke 
You'd start tickling me in my secret spot
Right on my sides under my blue top
Then you'd tell me about my beauty that I forgot 
And then you'd say you loved me a lot 

 Because we play together 
Like children in sunny weather 
Making my heart as light as a feather 
Holding your hand soft like polished leather 
Oh I could never find another man because you're always better 

 Oh I can remember the times 
Where we would sit and just rhyme 
Or fiddle around with a dime 
Staring down from the trees we'd climb 
Because I'm the lemon, you're the lime 
And together, we're so fine. 

 Because we'll stay together 
Even through the stormy weather 
Even when my heart's not a feather 
We'll be as tough as leather 
And we'll just love each other, better

Do I Really Have Depression?

I always ask myself if I really have depression because I see so many times people saying they can't feel happy or they don't feel anything and that's what depression is. That's what I'm not. I can feel happy. I still have feelings. I can go out and have a blast with friends and be truly happy. Do I really have depression? Or am I just a teenage drama queen who just can't deal with life? I wonder it all the time no matter what. Am I really going through depression?? And I never like telling people because then I feel like I'm being an attention seeker or a needy girl who has to tell everyone about her problems to get sympathy. Does anyone ever feel that way? Like if you tell a bunch of people that you're now an attention seeker?

Drink It Down

So I'll drink down my pain and smile for you,
 because that's just what I do.
 It's hard for me to be truly happy.
 I'll never be free from the hurt that haunts me
. But that's okay, tomorrow will be another day, so until then I will pray.
 I'll know that God is near and he loves me dear.

I Love You

I am hurting inside. I am dying from the pain that rips me apart. I put on a smile so that you don't have to be burdened by my pain. I pretend to be happy and strong but truly I'm just a mess inside. I've been seeing you in pain and I know that you're struggling. But please, don't lose hope and never think that you're alone. Everyone says this, I know, but please, don't give up. We are being turned into perfect gold by a furnace. It hurts. It hurts so bad. But there's beauty from the pain. We are stronger in the end. God has an amazing plan for you! I know I can't heal your heart, I can't say anything that no one else has ever said, but I know someone who is incredible. Someone who can not only take away the pain, he can make you truly happy inside. I pray for you everyday. I think of you everyday. You are loved. You are cherished You are special. Don't let anyone tell you that's not true. I love you

You Sicken Me

I'm done, 
I've had enough of you and your lies.
Everything about you I despise.
You and your games
I'm going to tear you up,
Burn you in flames
You see this fire in my eyes? 
This is anger that has been waiting for you to die
You with your cold heart, 
Get out of here! 
You don't belong! 
Stop trying to bring harmony to my song! 
The fact that I actually went along 
With you saying this would be a life long 
Journey is just plain wrong. 
But no, now I'm strong, 
Now I've seen the dawn 
Of a new age, I'm making a new stage 
And I'm definitely locking you in a cage. 
This is your wage, 
You deserve nothing less! 
You're attempts to make me a mess are worthless! 
You say "I have swag" 
But really you're just a fag 
That tried to snag me like a rag 
But now I'm throwin' you in the trash bag. 
Now I'm going to raise my flag 
And shout Freedom. 
I've beaten the demon, 
I've won the war now 
I'm going to show the world who you really are.

Life Gets Harder

A scary thought to me is that life is only going to get harder and harder to live.....More work, more tasks, more stress, and more trials. But it's when I think of that I remember God's grace, mercy, and love. How he will never leave me and he will carry me through the worst times no matter how I feel. No matter how many times I give up or rebel against him, he's still there! I mean, who else could ever love me like that?

C.S. Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."~ C.S. Lewis

You've Changed

You show me a picture of who you used to be, And I sit in silence thinking “Truly, Is this the same person that I now see?” I see changes of good, And changes of bad. You’re more mature now, But then again your face is sad. Your heart has hardened, Along with your face. You know your sins have been pardoned, Instead you look away from me as if you’re a disgrace. Before you were happy, in bliss, But that was before you almost felt deaths kiss. I see an amazing soldier, But then I see a hurting heart. It’s like you have a boulder on your shoulders, And it’s taking all of you not to fall apart. Brown eyes that I can’t look into, Eyes that help me to see through, The walls you’ve built up to, Keep people from coming in, Keep them from letting you grin, I know you’re afraid to get hurt, It’s as easy to see as your shirt, But then I remember you talking to me, And I just sit in silent reverie, Going through my memory, Thinking about how I could never find a better friend, That someday God with use someone to mend, Your life that you almost tried to end.

Don't Leave

I don't want to breathe no more, I just want to run out the door, And run across the world to you, But all I can do is lie here on the floor, And watch go through more, Pain, anguish, suffering, My head is trying to think but it's fumbling, Please. Please don't let me go, You've got to hold on tight, You have to fight, It's not the end of the night, But I know God can give you the might, I know that you know what's right. Now I'm just praying on the verge of tears, Hoping that you can be strong for a few more years, You have to trust in God until his grace appears, I'm not ready to lose you, not yet.

Praise

Hope is rising from the ashes of the ground, Hope is rising, can you hear that joyous sound, Of the people singing as God gives them their crown, Can you hear the people praise and abound, In the hope of God and his reign, Of the awesome love that is more than we can gain, How we’ve been set free from our chains, For his love will always be the same, Oh praise His name!

You Are Beautiful

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I love you, But they cannot compare, To your smile so fair, Or the softness of your hair, Or how much you care, Or how you're always there, Or how cute you look when you share a chair, With your best friend, You're more wild than a mare, But you can be as calm as the air, But now you tell me, That you're in a dark lair, And there is no light, You tell me I cannot understand, And that I've never seen the night, Please, take my hand, And I will help you fight, We'll be a band, And we'll have more than just might, Because I'm your friend, right? Well, even if you don't think I am your friend, I will be here for you until the end, I'm not like a trend, That comes and goes, I will do whatever it takes to fend, Your body from your head to your toes, And everything about you is important to me, Even your tiny nose, Oh you, my friend more beautiful than a rose.

Self Harm

This is not the friend I used to know, 
Why can't I see the smile that used to grow, 
On your face so beautiful, 
You used to have stars in your eyes, 
But now you have scars on your arm, 
I can see through all the lies, 
When did you start this self harm? 
I can't walk into your room without going crazier, 
It hurts me to see, 
All the razors, 
And all the blood that's been set free, 
From your body, 
We used to talk and play after dinner, 
But now you just head straight to the sink, 
And I'm noticing you're unhealthily thinner, 
And how your stomach will shrink, 
But you have to realize, 
Every time you cut yourself, 
You cut my heart, 
Do you put God on a shelf? 
And then try to tear me apart? 
You have to stop, 
Before my knees collapse and I drop, 
Why can't you see you like I do? 
Why can't you see the truth? 
This self harm isn't giving you any gain, 
Just more pain.

No End.

Shaking Hoping Breathing Screaming Fear Love Hate Wars Demons Angels Trust Tears Believing Strangers Will this end?

Jesus

He was was scorned for us 
He wore a crown of thorns for us 
Then he said "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do" 
You may not love Him but He loves you

Trigger

One minute I'm doing okay, Then comes the tension, The fray, How fast it's ascension, But it can't be as fast as the attack, That fires at I, In it, it's love that I lack, And I cannot lie, I feel like I'm gonna die, So I shiver and shake, As my heart cracks and brakes, Tears roll down from my eyes, I think of the trouble I make, And of how much I despise, My own being, I feel lonely, And I'm trying to be fleeing, But I feel like the one and only, All I am seeing, Is darkness, Wishing I was heartless, Problem is God gave me too much love, And so much hope, He comes down like a dove, And helps me cope, You come too, You help me walk through, And you actually make me smile, You make me chuckle, And for once in a long while, I don't feel like my knees are about to buckle, I just think of how blessed I am, To have a friend like you, Who stays even when I feel like scam, Who doesn't say adieu, When I pour out my all, When I fall, When I expect to get mauled, You tell me everything's going to work out, What it doesn't matter if my brother screams and shouts, God has a plan and route, So I'll keep my head held high, And I'll praise the heavens beyond the sky, And the stars will shine brighter than my scars.

Sadness.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m21idxR0f81qiw3kxo1_500.jpg http://24.media.tumblr.com/3b2f27327a95cb04d23ca4369e63eb44/tumblr_mfihtefjqU1s18re3o1_500.jpg http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mden8kro9B1rsiwo9o1_500.png

For My Best Friend

Blind to her beauty,
Hides her pain
Just moves on with her duty
Being the opposite of vain
She hates every feature
Hate every one of her characteristics
Says she's an ugly creature
Says people are unrealistic
Doubts that she's a good friend
Hates that's she crazy
Talks to me about the time I misspend
Saying my sight must be hazy
But I see something diverse
I've never seen better
So I'll be terse
And show you my love in these letters
You've been here all my life
You say your beauty can't be true
But I can't remember any strife
That we haven't gotten through
I've always loved your curly hair,
And your quirky lips,
The cute little necklaces you wear,
And holding your cold fingertips,
I love how you're taller than I,
Your hilarious nicknames,
And your dramatic "Laugh, sob, cry, die"
How we were always dying dames,
I always get your hand-me-downs,
Funny how you made me laugh,
We sometimes act like clowns,
And how I would rant about my hatred for bar graphs,
But oh your eyes,
Like Neptune,
The eighth planet up in the skies,
Blue gem runes,
Like the God of the sea,
They run deep,
They make a decree,
That your heart He will keep,
Your absolute love for One Direction,
My love for cheese,
The funky affection,
Oh the weird things we'd do at ease,
We were in a happy go luck state,
With no worries or fears,
But then we had to grow up before it was too late,
And we started sharing tears,
Now we walk together,
On a rocky road,
Praying God will let us be friends forever,
And that neither of us will be kissed by a toad,
You don't believe any of this that I say,
You say it's lies,
But I pray someday,
That God will let you see through my eyes,
I shall pray until my demise,
That you will see how you're more than a prize,
You are my beloved sister,
My best girl,
No one, not a mister,
Can get between us,
I'd get rid of him like a blister,
Because you are my pearl.

Heart Beat

Why do you try to help a lifeless body? Because your heart still beats. And until it stops beating, there is still hope.

Captured

Darkness. All darkness except for one spotlight. A concrete floor just as black as the darkness. There's a boy wearing a black torn shirt and black jeans standing in the middle. His arms in metal cuffs that are chained to two metal poles buried in the cement. His body limp like he's dead. Head hanging, face hidden in the shadows. Lifelessness. Unwanted breathing. A girl, running to his, throwing her arms around him to hold him tight. Crying, keeping her eyes shut, holding tight whispering "I'm not letting you go, I have too much hope to see you die like this. Here, take my life, take my happiness, take my love please. Let me take your place, let me die instead." Arrows start hitting her in the back, knives slicing into her. They pierce her with pain but she only cries a little more, closes her eyes a little more, and makes sure she doesn't let go. Blood pours out like a slow waterfall. He then says "It's useless. I don't feel anything anymore. Stop wasting your love and time. I can never care for you so stop being a child. Why are you so stupid to hold onto a lifeless body?" His head hangs lower, his body goes more limp, and his face goes into the shadow a little more. But she keeps holding on for the sake of hope, love, and that he might live. Everything tells her stop, but she doesn't listen.

Breaking Heart

Snap, crack 
I don't want to look back, 
Shiver, freeze, 
Feel the unease, 
Slash, tear, 
This I can't bear, 
 Cut, crush, 
Here comes the sickening blood rush, 
Slice, rip,
 Make me a gravestone because I've slipped. 
You hear it breaking? 
Do you see the life you're taking? 
Go ahead with your victory dance, 
Pretend like I don't feel the pain, 
I should've enjoyed the sun while I had the chance, 
Because now it's constant rain

Sinking

Have you ever felt it? The feeling of sinking. You can be happy and jolly at one moment and then just boom. Your happiness fades and you just start sinking into darkness. It's like you're the titanic and you hit an iceberg. You start sinking. Everything gets darker, colder, death feels nearer. And you're just sitting there, not able to do anything about it. You just stare as you go into the darkness. You start shivering because it's so cold. You start crying because you realize how dark it's getting. And pain builds up because of the pressure on you. You're trying to breathe in but you can't because of the water. The pressure on your heart, your lungs, your brain. You just wish it to end. You're just sitting there waiting to die. But then someone comes along and they pull you back up. Maybe not all the way but they release some of the pressure. They give you a breath to breathe and for a little while longer, you feel okay, like you can survive. And God comes and he gives you another breath. It gives you a hope but also a fear of sinking that far again because you know you will.

The Same Old Introduction.

Hi. This is me, and these are my thoughts, little creations, poems, and showing my walk through depression and life. If you don't find it interesting, oh well. Thanks for looking anyways. Cookie